Friday, November 9, 2012

Is this love or confusion?

          I don't know where to start I guess with Matthew!! Matthew is my ex-boyfriend our relationship last for about year and during that whole year I had the most fun ever! When I first met him I had just moved to Alabama I was trying to start my life over, I wasn't interested in him at all I heard all kinds of bad things about him. I heard that he smoked weed, drank all the time and was always in trouble with the law. All that is completely true, after I had lived there for a while I had actually got to talk to him and then we started to hang out "a lot" and we text. I felt like I could talk to him about anything, I told him about my "boy troubles", about my dad, my experience with alcohol and smoking, hunting, fishing, sports, and the most important life. As we talked and talked and talked we started hanging out in school and out, we went for long golf cart ride's, most of the time we just sat on the golf cart and stared at the stars and talked for ever while we sat their being stupid teens smoking the last pack of Marlboro Lights and the bottle of moonshine. Yes, I was a bad teen I guess as I am thinking back now that I was trying to ease my pain, and guilt, shame from what my father did to me. But anyways, on October 28th, 2011 we had both gotten lit and that night he had told me that I was his dream girlfriend, he told me that I was just amazing he told me he was amazed at how social able I am, he told me that he was starting to fall for me. But the weird thing was that I was starting to fall for him to and I told him but, and In way I kind of used him for alcohol and cigarettes guess that is harsh but that is the truth. But I haven't really thought of that until now, but anyways! Around 2:30 am I had to drive my grandmother's car home from the boat ramp (I had driven it their cause I didn't feel like walking and I had lived at fish camp so I lived on the river and so did he but my grandma drove the golf cart cause there was a party that night) so drunk that I only went like 5 miles per hour down the road to my house. It was a good thing that I lived like 5 minutes way, but it felt like 10,000 hours, well Matthew followed behind me on his golf-cart (he was lit too) and when I got their I could get out of the car so he had to walk me all the way to my bed room, as he was walking back to the door he told me to eat something and take some medicine so I don't get a major headache and up I said, "boy! I can hold my liquor" (by the way I can). So then I laid down and I was sitting their thinking about him and how much I was actually falling for him and he text me he said "Savannah, I really like you and I really want our relationship to go further, would you be willing to take that chance" I sat there and awe just staring at that phone which felt like 10'000 hours which was only like 10 seconds or so, obviously I wouldn't be writing this if I didn't say Hell Ya!!!

Goodness did we have some fun together, everyone loved us being together they just thought we were the cutest thing since bread became in slices. We didn't start off quick, we took it slow! Literally I did start holding hands till like a month into the relationship, it was probably about 4-6 till I actually kissed him I mean I gave him a couple of pecks on the cheek here and there but  our actual kiss was about 4-6 months in. We were always together, he walked me to my classes, took me to school in the mornings he came to some of my games, he came camping with my family and I. After about 7 months I actually start to love him, all I thought about was him he was always on my mind. Then something happened with my mother and her mother and I had to move to Florida with my Grandma Irene. I was so heart broken, when I found out I had to leave him, all of my emotions just came falling down at the same time. Everything that was happening then and everything that had happened with my father just over whelmed me I had all kinds of emotions I didn't know whether to cry or end my life or what. I chose to keep my life and just deal with it like I dealt with my dad and everything else. When I moved he was always on my mind I couldn't stop thinking about him I missed him so much. When we saw each other we were stuck like glue, couldn't keep us apart yes!  We were broke but we did what we did!  Prom was getting closer and our frequent visits' lessened and eventually our visits' weren't so frequent any more. I had dress but there was so much drama to it that I couldn't wear it so Matthew's mother, who hated me with a passion was kind enough to go and buy me a cheap purple cut-off to the knees dress it was cute but not my style grandma Irene bought my shoes and I paid for my nails and hair. Well like two weeks before prom I was talking to Matthew, we talked about all kinds of things, at the beginning of our relationship he told me that he does not want to rush me into having sex; he told me he will be ready whenever I was ready. Well I thought about it so many times I just pushed it to the side and tried to focus on different stuff. As you know, I was talking to him and I just blurted it out in a message saying that I was ready and I want it to be special. I wanted to do it on prom night; I wanted it to be sweet and romantic. It was official he tried to talk me out of it, he said it was only because I missed him and it was my emotions, but I told him straight up that I was ready. Well something happened with my computer and my mom’s phone, long story short her Facebook messages were coming to my Facebook and mine were going to hers so I freaked out and I had to tell my grandma Irene just to get her ready, she gave me advice and stuff and she told me that I was growing up too fast and ya know the whole grandparent/parent story I remember when you were just a little girl and you used too.......Well I told my granddaddy that I was going to prom with Matthew, he about had a heart attack he told me that he was going to chaperoned and follow me everywhere we went. I freaked and I told Matthew and then said let's wait and I guess I was in the mood of some sort, I couldn't figure it out, I told him No, this can't be ruined momma is taking us camping and you’re going with us he laughed at me. So ya we went camping and I was scared and had second thoughts but then I was like I know I am ready so we had sex! It was my first time having sex, I didn't have a problem with me not being his first, and at least he had more experience than me.  That was not the only time we had sex either, there was a bunch and we have had so many scares that I cannot believe that I am pregnant now, I guess by the praying I did God heard me and answered my prayers!
Wow, I never felt that good before in my life! I felt so many emotions that I have never felt before I was breathless and so cherry that I forgot where we were, we on a boardwalk on a bench! Yes, how romantic! After that, prom came and went had a blast got tore up and didn't remember much other than the dancing!! After prom we went back to our daily lives trying to figure out how we can see each other more often, which didn't work to well. There was drama between my family and his family everything about us drinking and driving, smoking, and having sex came out, it was terrible, he had a job and he had collage to keep up with. Once school started I couldn't handle it anymore, I was starting to fall out of love with Matthew I didn't know what I was feeling but falling out of love kept popping into my brain I tried to push it out of my head but it didn't work. So I kind ignored him for good month or so I did send him a couple of texts here and there but mostly tried to remove him from my mind!!! So eventually he was getting worried and I was beginning to not even talk to him at all, then he asked if he could talk to me so I just spilled everything. I told Matthew that I didn’t know what I was feeling, but I was feeling something he thought I meant I was in love with him. Which was completely wrong, I think I burst his bubble I felt bad after telling him that I was not in love with him and that I think it was time to take a break! He freaked out so he came over to my house and we talked and I did not break up with him but that did pop into my head as we talked. Well about another month went by and he promised that he would try to come and see me once a week and blah blah blah….. And so on! Well that wasn’t enough for me, I began to feel trapped like I wasn’t a loud to speak my true feelings and I finally broke it off! He told me that he didn’t want to talk to me anymore; he didn’t want to be friends! I told him that I loved him but only as a friend not in any kind of boyfriend/girlfriend kind of way! Matthew did not like that idea very well. So we didn’t talk for like 4-6 weeks, I felt like I wasn’t trapped anymore, on that little back burner I stilled had a small lite flame, but  I tried to talk to him and he said he give him one more week and he will let me know!!! Gosh, I felt like I was on restriction but I did wait and I wasn’t going to text him back, he text me back saying that he will be friends with me and we can talk! Weird, but I said okay! So now, we talk and stuff, we pick with each other but honestly I do still have feelings for him but I know that I am not in love with him!!!
Whenever I find that someone I want to be able to be in love with that person every day, I don’t want it to be a chore for me to love him and a chore for him to love me!! I want to be able to wake up and know that he will always be there for me and I will be there for him. I want it all natural and I want it all, I want the house with the white picket fence, dogs, cats, maybe children, and I want love! I don’t want the love. I don’t want the love high school love or the love where it is a love hate relationship. I just want to be happy, is that not every girls’ dream, to be happily married to that one person.  To be honest, I am afraid to be in love; I seriously am, I afraid that if I fall in love that person would destroy everything we worked for!! Maybe it’s a good thing that I broke it off, maybe my feelings were a sign saying that he is not the one. How do you know that he/her is the one? How would you tell if he/she really did love you? That is my question, how? 

1 comment:

  1. Just so you know, I am almost 59 and I finally found that someone I love who loves me back. I'm sure it won't take you that long. Our roads were different. But I know this is a love that will last a lifetime. And so does he. Love you.