I don't know where to start I guess with Matthew!! Matthew
is my ex-boyfriend our relationship last for about year and during that whole
year I had the most fun ever! When I first met him I had just moved to Alabama
I was trying to start my life over, I wasn't interested in him at all I heard
all kinds of bad things about him. I heard that he smoked weed, drank all the
time and was always in trouble with the law. All that is completely true, after
I had lived there for a while I had actually got to talk to him and then we
started to hang out "a lot" and we text. I felt like I could talk to
him about anything, I told him about my "boy troubles", about my dad,
my experience with alcohol and smoking, hunting, fishing, sports, and the most
important life. As we talked and talked and talked we started hanging out in
school and out, we went for long golf cart ride's, most of the time we just sat
on the golf cart and stared at the stars and talked for ever while we sat their
being stupid teens smoking the last pack of Marlboro Lights and the bottle of
moonshine. Yes, I was a bad teen I guess as I am thinking back now that I was
trying to ease my pain, and guilt, shame from what my father did to me. But
anyways, on October 28th, 2011 we had both gotten lit and that night he had
told me that I was his dream girlfriend, he told me that I was just amazing he
told me he was amazed at how social able I am, he told me that he was starting
to fall for me. But the weird thing was that I was starting to fall for him to
and I told him but, and In way I kind of used him for alcohol and cigarettes
guess that is harsh but that is the truth. But I haven't really thought of that
until now, but anyways! Around 2:30 am I had to drive my grandmother's car home
from the boat ramp (I had driven it their cause I didn't feel like walking and
I had lived at fish camp so I lived on the river and so did he but my grandma
drove the golf cart cause there was a party that night) so drunk that I only
went like 5 miles per hour down the road to my house. It was a good thing that
I lived like 5 minutes way, but it felt like 10,000 hours, well Matthew
followed behind me on his golf-cart (he was lit too) and when I got their I
could get out of the car so he had to walk me all the way to my bed room, as he
was walking back to the door he told me to eat something and take some medicine
so I don't get a major headache and up I said, "boy! I can hold my
liquor" (by the way I can). So then I laid down and I was sitting their
thinking about him and how much I was actually falling for him and he text me
he said "Savannah, I really like you and I really want our relationship to
go further, would you be willing to take that chance" I sat there and awe
just staring at that phone which felt like 10'000 hours which was only like 10
seconds or so, obviously I wouldn't be writing this if I didn't say Hell Ya!!!
Goodness did we have some fun
together, everyone loved us being together they just thought we were the cutest
thing since bread became in slices. We didn't start off quick, we took it slow!
Literally I did start holding hands till like a month into the relationship, it
was probably about 4-6 till I actually kissed him I mean I gave him a couple of
pecks on the cheek here and there but
our actual kiss was about 4-6 months in. We were always together, he
walked me to my classes, took me to school in the mornings he came to some of
my games, he came camping with my family and I. After about 7 months I actually
start to love him, all I thought about was him he was always on my mind. Then
something happened with my mother and her mother and I had to move to Florida
with my Grandma Irene. I was so heart broken, when I found out I had to leave
him, all of my emotions just came falling down at the same time. Everything
that was happening then and everything that had happened with my father just
over whelmed me I had all kinds of emotions I didn't know whether to cry or end
my life or what. I chose to keep my life and just deal with it like I dealt
with my dad and everything else. When I moved he was always on my mind I
couldn't stop thinking about him I missed him so much. When we saw each other
we were stuck like glue, couldn't keep us apart yes! We were broke but we did what we did
best...talk! Prom was getting closer and
our frequent visits' lessened and eventually our visits' weren't so frequent
any more. I had dress but there was so much drama to it that I couldn't wear it
so Matthew's mother, who hated me with a passion was kind enough to go and buy
me a cheap purple cut-off to the knees dress it was cute but not my style
grandma Irene bought my shoes and I paid for my nails and hair. Well like two
weeks before prom I was talking to Matthew, we talked about all kinds of
things, at the beginning of our relationship he told me that he does not want
to rush me into having sex; he told me he will be ready whenever I was ready.
Well I thought about it so many times I just pushed it to the side and tried to
focus on different stuff. As you know, I was talking to him and I just blurted
it out in a message saying that I was ready and I want it to be special. I
wanted to do it on prom night; I wanted it to be sweet and romantic. It was
official he tried to talk me out of it, he said it was only because I missed
him and it was my emotions, but I told him straight up that I was ready. Well
something happened with my computer and my mom’s phone, long story short her Facebook
messages were coming to my Facebook and mine were going to hers so I freaked
out and I had to tell my grandma Irene just to get her ready, she gave me
advice and stuff and she told me that I was growing up too fast and ya know the
whole grandparent/parent story I remember when you were just a little girl and
you used too.......Well I told my granddaddy that I was going to prom with
Matthew, he about had a heart attack he told me that he was going to chaperoned
and follow me everywhere we went. I freaked and I told Matthew and then said
let's wait and I guess I was in the mood of some sort, I couldn't figure it out,
I told him No, this can't be ruined momma is taking us camping and you’re going
with us he laughed at me. So ya we went camping and I was scared and had second
thoughts but then I was like I know I am ready so we had sex! It was my first
time having sex, I didn't have a problem with me not being his first, and at
least he had more experience than me. That was not the only time we had sex either,
there was a bunch and we have had so many scares that I cannot believe that I
am pregnant now, I guess by the praying I did God heard me and answered my
prayers!
Wow, I never felt that good before
in my life! I felt so many emotions that I have never felt before I was
breathless and so cherry that I forgot where we were, we on a boardwalk on a
bench! Yes, how romantic! After that, prom came and went had a blast got tore
up and didn't remember much other than the dancing!! After prom we went back to
our daily lives trying to figure out how we can see each other more often,
which didn't work to well. There was drama between my family and his family
everything about us drinking and driving, smoking, and having sex came out, it
was terrible, he had a job and he had collage to keep up with. Once school
started I couldn't handle it anymore, I was starting to fall out of love with
Matthew I didn't know what I was feeling but falling out of love kept popping
into my brain I tried to push it out of my head but it didn't work. So I kind ignored
him for good month or so I did send him a couple of texts here and there but
mostly tried to remove him from my mind!!! So eventually he was getting worried
and I was beginning to not even talk to him at all, then he asked if he could
talk to me so I just spilled everything. I told Matthew that I didn’t know what
I was feeling, but I was feeling something he thought I meant I was in love
with him. Which was completely wrong, I think I burst his bubble I felt bad
after telling him that I was not in love with him and that I think it was time
to take a break! He freaked out so he came over to my house and we talked and I
did not break up with him but that did pop into my head as we talked. Well
about another month went by and he promised that he would try to come and see
me once a week and blah blah blah….. And so on! Well that wasn’t enough for me,
I began to feel trapped like I wasn’t a loud to speak my true feelings and I finally
broke it off! He told me that he didn’t want to talk to me anymore; he didn’t
want to be friends! I told him that I loved him but only as a friend not in any
kind of boyfriend/girlfriend kind of way! Matthew did not like that idea very
well. So we didn’t talk for like 4-6 weeks, I felt like I wasn’t trapped
anymore, on that little back burner I stilled had a small lite flame, but I tried to talk to him and he said he give
him one more week and he will let me know!!! Gosh, I felt like I was on
restriction but I did wait and I wasn’t going to text him back, he text me back
saying that he will be friends with me and we can talk! Weird, but I said okay!
So now, we talk and stuff, we pick with each other but honestly I do still have
feelings for him but I know that I am not in love with him!!!
Whenever I find that someone I want
to be able to be in love with that person every day, I don’t want it to be a
chore for me to love him and a chore for him to love me!! I want to be able to wake
up and know that he will always be there for me and I will be there for him. I
want it all natural and I want it all, I want the house with the white picket
fence, dogs, cats, maybe children, and I want love! I don’t want the love. I
don’t want the love high school love or the love where it is a love hate
relationship. I just want to be happy, is that not every girls’ dream, to be
happily married to that one person. To
be honest, I am afraid to be in love; I seriously am, I afraid that if I fall
in love that person would destroy everything we worked for!! Maybe it’s a good
thing that I broke it off, maybe my feelings were a sign saying that he is not
the one. How do you know that he/her is the one? How would you tell if he/she
really did love you? That is my question, how?
